Super Naruto
by esama
Summary: At early age Naruto is attacked and thus he comes in contact with his inner demon. Warning, contains OOC characters, bashing, bashing of bashing, and referances to some internet memes, troupes and whatnot.


**Super Naruto  
**

Naruto was being hunted down by random mob of villages who wanted to kill him for some not very well explained reason that had something to do with particularly large member of the vulpes family. He hid behind a trash can.

"Why is it always me, what did I do, why isn't anyone helping me, why do they hate me so much?" he angsted, shedding cute little uke tears when random angry mob person came and knocked him into convenient unconsciousness. His last thought was of tear flavoured ramen.

The Kyuubi growled his best evil demon growl. "**I hate you. And also your stupid father. I know he was your father because I have phenomenal cosmic powers. Also, I had a very good reason for why I did what I did and really you humans are stupid for not knowing that I had a very good reason. Also, I speak in inhuman voice, as the bolded text tells you. Also, I'm a woman. Behold my bewbs and devilishly sexy vixen ways**."

"Excuse me?" asked confused and adorably scared Naruto, before getting back to the angst. "Oh my god, you're Kyuubi, you're the reason everyone hates me, and treats me so badly and never gives me ramen, and I hate you, I wish you had cancer!"

The fox growled in _her_ second best evil demon growl of utter annoyance. "**Stfu. Now, here, have this some random bloodline limit I just made up. Now, cute uke tears or gtfo!**"

Naruto cried cute uke tears of confusion and was kicked out of his own mind regardless.

Later the Third Hokage, who has the power of changing the tense from past to present, gives him some more or less bullshit explanation. And then he places him to live with random powerful Shinobi who is supposed to protect him but ends up teaching him kick-ass Ninjutsu and spending several hours marvelling over Naruto's random bloodline limit which the Kyuubi had made up.

(Except it wasn't the Kyuubi, her name was Bakatsune the Fourth and she was a princess of a long lost nation. Also, she was a witch. And a half goddess. And had two mothers and no father because the story needs some random Les Yay. Also she has a mysterious, tragic past. But that isn't really relevant to the story.)

Several years later Naruto is kick-ass bloodline wielding genius and for some reason still in academy. Sakura is annoying bitch and Sasuke is a prick despite the fact that Naruto had heroically saved his family several years previous.

FLASHBACK

Naruto stared at Itachi. Itachi stared back. The epic stare down was epic. Finally, Naruto slowly reached for his ultimate weapon and held it up, ready to use it to the best of his ability.

"Pocky?" he offered and they were ambiguous best friends forever. And Itachi didn't kill his family because Naruto told him not to. He still went and joined Akatsuki for some mysteriously tragic reasons that might have some effect on the plot later on. Probably not.

FLASHBACK END

Also, despite being genius of gigantic proportions and having a sexy foxy vulpine fox-like vixen teaching him things she shouldn't know as she was a fox and all - and also that random ninja who raised him, but as he is an OC, no one really cares about him - he still failed academy graduation exam thingy.

"Why always Bunshin? For some reason even though I can do pretty much any jutsu I can think of, I can't do Bunshin. Why did it have to be Bunshin?" he asks in random change to present tense as he has a small angst scene at a swing. "How could this happen to meee..."

Enter asshole Mizuki sensei and brief insert of the canon plot where Naruto goes and steals a huge scroll of forbidden techniques and what not. But in a sudden plot twist, he doesn't learn only the Kage Bunshin, but two other very awesome Jutsu as well, but no more than two because that would be to close to making his Gary-Stueness even more obvious than it already is. He still uses the Kage Bunshin to kick Mizuki's ass in dramatic, heroic and slightly angsty way because the author has yet to decide what sort of other stuff he actually learned.

The next day he is a ninja and to his utter disgust is put in the same team as the most intelligent girl and the most intelligent boy of their class - not Shikamaru, though, because he's too busy complaining how troublesome it was to actually make an effort in a class. Naruto angrily angsts about how annoying Sakura and Sasuke will be to work with and dreams of a career as Anbu. No, Hunter-nin. No, torture expert. No, diplomatic ambassador to faraway land that no one has ever heard of where he will marry a beautiful princess and they will live happily ever after. And Sasuke and Sakura will totally hold him back, being only normal level of smart and not utter sparkling brilliant geniuses, like he was. And they are arrogant too.

He vents out his anger and drops a blackboard eraser on Kakashi's head. Kakashi disapproves. Then Naruto remembers that he forgot something and has a sudden flashback.

FLASHBACK

"Omg, niisan, ur so kakkoi, be my bro and teach me awsum techniques!"

"No wai!1 I teach u sexijutsu instead."

"Omg, yay! But I still can't beat my sensei. Is no good!!!1 I want to be Hokage instead of the Hokage!!!"

"U lameass punk, u got it all wrong!!! I wanna, be the Hokage, too!!! U gotta get through me first!!!1!"

"Omg niisan, ur so sugoiii! We r rivals nao!!!!1"

FLASHBACK END (Somewhere, Grammar died. He was buried next to his loving wife, Punctuation. Their evil step-brother's sister's father's other child's grandfather's grandchild, Txtspeech, stood upon their graves and laughed victoriously. Then some heroic Beta shot him. Repeatedly.)

"For the next few paragraphs, let's rehearse the script of the manga. Ahem, introductions," Kakashi, who also has the power of changing the tense, said. "Your likes, dislikes, dreams, let's throw in slight references to mentally scarring traumas and tragically mysterious pasts. Go."

"Blaa blaa, you first, sensei, blaa," Naruto nodded. He had read the script too (and now had epic divination powers).

"Blaa blaa, nothing much, blaa," Kakashi snorted.

"Blaah blaah blaah?" Naruto asked irritably.

"Blaah," Kakashi nodded with satisfaction and then motioned Naruto to go ahead. "Your turn."

"What the deuce?" Sasuke muttered, but he's a lamer and a minor character and would never get internet references anyway.

Sakura, shows her shocking ability to control the tense, and parrots fangirlisim, Sasuke proves that he is still an avenger despite having nothing to avenge - except maybe the fact that Itachi has a cooler mysterious past than he does - and Naruto and Bakatsune mock them in his mind because saying anything out loud isn't in the script. Kakashi is boring and canon-cardboard-cut-out and tells them about the Bell Test.

Naruto, because he is uber genius and because Bakatsune knows everything, knows what he has to do in the test to win. He dramatically convinces Sasuke and Sakura to work with him, and then comes up with awesome plan to beat Kakashi. And then in show of dramatic and random un-selfishness, he lets the two have the bells, even though he hates them. Because he has an angsty moment and knows that in the end everyone will always hate him and wouldn't like to see him graduate anyway, and so on.

Kakashi forced the tense back to it's place, passed them all. Then he questioned Naruto how he come he had been the one to come up with the idea of team work - because despite being uber genius and ahead of his peers, Naruto was still somehow the dead last of the class. Kakashi was suspicious that Naruto had help from his tenant who was currently busy painting her nails.

"How could you think I cheated?! I hate you forever, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto gasped and ran away. Angrily. Kakashi felt sorry for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and going back to reading his porn.

While doing boring D-rank missions which are very boring and tiresome, Naruto invented a new ninjutsu or three. And then they get a very important mission because he has a very long winded and loud angst moment in the Hokage's office. Some canon-script dialogue follow and appearance of a minor character, and off they go towards the epic fights of the Land of the Waves.

Heroically Naruto, who has now mastered the art of the tense, beats Demon brothers somewhere along the way. He still gets a cut in his hand and has to dramatically slit the black of his hand open. Sasuke disapproves his cutting method and says that he ought to cut his _wrist_, not the back of his hand. Naruto yells back and Kakashi is not impressed because that would be going too far from canon and he is getting tired of changing the tense after people screw it up. Tazuna-san the super builder of super bridges of super tragedy, has a moment of plot and explains life, universe and everything. Well, at least why people are trying to kill him.

And then the journey continues until epic diversion strikes. A random plot bunny later, an eeevil ninja shows up wearing eeevil cow-pattern leggings. He also funny sandals. Eeevil funny sandals. Epic battle ensues as Kakashi's more fashionable and acceptable uniform faces against the most eeevil pinstriped grandpa pants ever. But alas, Zabuza's bare chest has the power of unappreciated fan service!

"Come, Sasuke, we must show our epic team work which we shouldn't be able to do and which never happens again to save our beloved sensei!" Naruto cried, changing the tense because he doesn't want to seem like he's actually crying. Then he explained his overly complicated plan which was directly copied from the canon, saving him from the trouble of thinking.

"Aside from team work, and the word _beloved_ used in conjunction of sensei… I have one problem with this plan," Sasuke said slowly. "If you turn into a windmill shuriken… exactly _what_ part of you am I grasping when I throw you?"

But the plan took place anyway because Naruto couldn't bother to think of another one. They saved their sensei in epic display of epic team work that for a second there almost gave the story line some quality, but not really. Once more free, Kakashi faced against Zabuza's fan service, and decided to bring in a epic plot device!

"Hax," Sasuke muttered, but no one cared

Then some freak in a mask showed up and took the evil pair of pinstriped grandpa pants away, also taking with him the dead body in them. Kakashi falls in most fail way ever, and Naruto explains that he did not aid his sensei further because he was baiting his time. Or possibly because he didn't want to interfere. Or maybe he simply didn't feel like it. In truth, the canon was just easier to go with.

They continued on to Tazuna's house where Inari played the part of the resident wimp and Tsunami rehearsed her role of the random side character who even in her most epic moment will seem bland. Kakashi decided to have the team practicing some chakra walking, but Naruto was obviously too advanced for such simple thing and decides to go practice on his own even though logically he should've gone with Tazuna like the bodyguard he had been hired to be. But that would get in the way of the canon plotline, which is about the only plot line the story actually has.

During training he meets a cute girl who proves out not to be a girl at all but a guy who Naruto suspects to be a girl after all, but by the time he gets to wondering why a girl would pretend to be a guy pretending to be a girl and whether he - or she - was really a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl, the girl - who actually might be pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl - had already left. He had a headache by the time hermaphroditism entered his theories about the girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl or boy pretending to be a girl. Then he knocked himself out.

The following day, another epic battle took place. This time it was not only Kakashi's fashion sense against Zabuza's grandpa pants of doom, but Sasuke also got a role in unsurprising display of canon skill sets because Naruto stayed behind because someone needed to save Inari and Tsunami from their side plot death. So, it was up to Sasuke's avenger's duckbutt hair to match against girl!boy!hermaphtodite Haku's hair bun of past angst! Haku's hair bun comes out triumphant and Sasuke ended up into trouble, just in time to be heroically saved by no other than everyone's favourite best most awesome hero in the whole wide world, Naruto.

"Alright, chums, let's do this!" Naruto cried. "NAAAARUUTOO… UUZUUMAAKIII!" And then despite all logic and his intelligence, still went into the cage with Sasuke.

"Stupid as hell," Sasuke said, and was pwned by Haku who used epically overused tactic, and somehow got Sasuke to fall for it.

"Nyouoooo! Sasuke! Why did you do it!" Naruto cried, half shocked and half sad and half outraged that Sasuke stole his emo spot.

"My body moved on it's own," Sasuke rehearsed his canon script reading skills. "It must've… been canon," he added. Then he died.

"**Naruto!**" cried Bakatsuke. "**We must avenge the not-death, because I totally know Sasuke isn't dead but I am still for some odd reason outraged, of our friend, whom we both hated no more than few paragraphs ago but now for some reason think of our best friend forever (Just after Itachi-chan-sama-san-tan-desu-nee)!**"

And then they pwned the ambiguous hermaphroditic shemale like no shemale has been pwned before - and stopped just in time for Haku to have sad angsty monologue. It involved mommy and daddy who didn't love each other very much and who loved their shemale child even less and who ended up as faint blood splatters off-screen - and mention of past bondage collars and beating up puppies.

The monologue ended when other where Kakashi prepared to display some epic pwnage, only to be stopped by Haku who became an hero. Little later, Zabuza also became an hero, but he did it in slightly less angsty way and ended some random cannon fodder samurai and a midget business man before having tragic last words

"No, seriously, being ninja can't be like this," Sakura said later on.

"No, this is pretty much it most of the time," Kakashi answered. "Usually there's little more talking and little less fighting than this. Usually with several flashbacks. Also some metaphors. And ambiguous references to future villains or past tragic events. Possibly in silhouettes."

"No way," cried Naruto determinately. "I will establish my own way of Nindo! In my way of nindo, I shall also have a monologue! And it will be epic monologue to end all monologues! Because no way has anyone else as angsty past as me! I will make everyone feel sorry for me - and then acknowledge me! Believe it!"

And his idea was so brilliant that after they left, Tazuna named the bridge the Great Gary Stu Bridge. It stood for glorious three days and nights and forty one minutes - and not forty two, never forty two - before a tidal wave of obscure internet memes destroyed it.

-

I was having a very bad day and all fics I tried to read failed to live up to my expectations. Writing this was oddly therapeutic, even if I will go to hell for it. I won't even apologise for the grammar errors because they're all intentional. Even the unintentional ones. And remember, kids! I only wrote this pile of animal feces and posted it. I didn't make you read it. You click those buttons all on your own.


End file.
